How to Feel Like Shit in 5 Easy Steps (Backed by Science, of Course)

We all want to feel great, be our best selves, and conquer the day like some sort of motivational poster. But let’s face it—most of us, whether we admit it or not, are professionals at sabotaging our own well-being. It's not that hard, really. Just a few poor daily habits, and voila! You’re sluggish, unmotivated, anxious, and basically feel like you’ve been run over by a truck. The kicker? There’s science behind why this happens.

So, if you’re trying to feel awful on a daily basis (and who isn’t?), follow these five scientifically-backed steps to feel like total garbage. Or maybe, just maybe, this will help you recognize where you’re going wrong. Your call.

1. Skip Breakfast (Especially Protein, Because Who Needs Energy?)

Step one on your journey to feeling like absolute trash: don’t eat breakfast. I mean, who needs fuel for the day when you can run on stress and sheer willpower? According to a study in Public Health Nutrition, those who skip breakfast are 21% more likely to suffer from mood swings and low energy compared to those who actually fuel their bodies. What a bunch of try-hards.

But seriously, skipping breakfast is a sure way to feel sluggish and foggy throughout the day. Especially if you skip protein. Protein is basically the MVP of breakfast nutrients—it helps regulate your blood sugar, keeps you feeling fuller longer, and curbs those mid-morning cravings for, you know, all the carbs. One study published in Obesity found that eating a high-protein breakfast (30 grams or more) helped people eat 441 fewer calories throughout the day. But hey, who needs a functioning metabolism, right?

The recipe for disaster: Skip breakfast or grab a donut and coffee. Enjoy your blood sugar rollercoaster and your inevitable crash into irritability by 10 a.m.

2. Sleep? Never Heard of It.

We get it—you’re busy, important, and binge-watching Netflix until 2 a.m. is your only form of self-care. But if you really want to feel like a zombie, just make sleep an afterthought. Studies show that about 35% of adults in the U.S. get fewer than seven hours of sleep per night, which basically means they’re walking around like extras from The Walking Dead (all 100 seasons). And the best part? Sleep deprivation doesn’t just make you tired—it makes you dumb.

A study published in Nature revealed that after just 17 hours without sleep, your cognitive performance is the equivalent of being legally drunk (that’s a blood alcohol concentration of 0.05%, in case you’re curious). Imagine showing up to work like that every day. Spoiler: It’s not a good look.

And the cherry on top? Chronic sleep deprivation increases your risk of heart disease, depression, and even early death by 13% if you’re consistently clocking less than six hours a night. So, if you’re aiming to feel horrible and maybe even shave a few years off your life, go ahead and burn the midnight oil. You’ll be irritable, stressed out, and probably a nightmare to be around, but at least you got through that entire season of your favorite show.

3. Sit All Day Long (Because Standing is for Suckers)

If sitting is the new smoking, then congratulations—you’re practically a chimney. Want to feel truly terrible? Just sit for hours on end every day, and let your body slowly melt into your chair. Research published in The American Journal of Epidemiology found that sitting for more than 6 hours a day is associated with a 19% increase in mortality over the next 15 years. So yes, sitting really is killing you.

But before we get all morbid, let’s just talk about how sitting too much can make you feel like garbage in the short term. A lack of movement slows your blood circulation, which basically means your body and brain aren’t getting enough oxygen. This translates into you feeling sluggish, unmotivated, and generally blah all day. Plus, your muscles start to atrophy (fancy word for "shrink and weaken"), which makes you feel even more tired when you eventually do get up to move.

But hey, sitting all day is a great way to kill your mood and productivity. Why take a walk and feel energized when you can just stay glued to your chair, letting your body slowly deteriorate? Pro tip: If you want to feel extra bad, skip any kind of physical activity entirely and embrace your inner couch potato.

4. Chug Caffeine Like There’s No Tomorrow (and Don’t Bother Hydrating)

Ah, caffeine—the sweet nectar of productivity, or so we think. If your solution to every dip in energy is to throw another cup of coffee at the problem, you’re probably riding the caffeine rollercoaster straight to feeling terrible. While caffeine might give you a quick jolt, it’s a surefire way to set yourself up for jitteriness, anxiety, and eventually, exhaustion.

According to the Mayo Clinic, consuming over 400 mg of caffeine a day (that’s about four cups of coffee) can lead to restlessness, digestive issues, rapid heart rate, and yes, insomnia. In fact, 13% of caffeine users experience withdrawal symptoms like headaches and irritability when they don’t get their fix. So, you’re basically stuck in a cycle of needing more caffeine to feel "normal," which eventually makes you feel worse. It’s like a hamster wheel of self-destruction, and you’re the hamster.

And don’t forget to dehydrate yourself while you’re at it. 1-2% water loss in your body (even mild dehydration) can lead to poor focus, fatigue, and bad moods, according to research in The Journal of Nutrition. So, chug your coffee, skip the water, and prepare to feel like absolute garbage by lunchtime. Your body will thank you—just kidding.

5. Avoid Sunlight Like a Vampire

Want to feel truly down in the dumps? Just avoid sunlight like it’s your ex at a party. Staying indoors all day is a great way to throw your mood and energy levels into a tailspin. Sunlight helps regulate your circadian rhythm (that’s your body’s internal clock, in case you skipped biology), and it boosts serotonin production—a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good. Without enough sunlight, your body’s clock gets all out of whack, and your serotonin levels drop, making you feel sluggish and maybe even a little depressed.

According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, people who don’t get enough sunlight are 70% more likely to develop depressive symptoms. And if you’re not getting enough vitamin D (which your body makes when exposed to sunlight), you’re 64% more likely to experience depression, says a study in The Journal of Affective Disorders. So, unless you want to feel like an emotional trainwreck, get outside for at least 10-15 minutes a day. Or, if you’re fully committed to feeling like crap, just stay indoors with the curtains drawn and bask in your gloom.

Conclusion: How to Feel Amazing (By Doing the Opposite)

In case it wasn’t obvious by now, these are all the wrong ways to approach your daily routine. If you’ve been skipping breakfast, skimping on sleep, sitting too long, over-caffeinating, or avoiding sunlight, it’s no wonder you feel less than stellar. The good news? You can turn it around. Eat a solid breakfast (with protein, thank you), get your 7-9 hours of sleep, move your body, drink water, and get outside for some sunshine.

Or, you know, keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy feeling like a trainwreck. The choice is yours.